How it all began...

I lost my father when I was 12 1/2. And then my brother died a year later. I am pretty sure that is what triggered my landslide. I was depressed, my emotions were running rampant, and I had no idea how to deal with it, other that to tuck it all away inside my mind. I was daddy's little princess, so my mom didn't know how to deal with me when he passed away. I had always been a spoiled brat, so obviously we could exclude any kind of mother-daughter bonding. I felt alone, trapped in my own head, and anytime the littlest thing went wrong I felt like I was going to lose it. I remember getting angry at my brother-in-law when I was 15, and crying, and feeling as if i was losing control, so I started scratching my wrist with my thumbnail. I didn't even realise I was doing it! I was probably at it for a good 10 minutes before I realised it and quit, but by then i had scraped all the skin off my wrist. But it a sick way, I felt better, calmer. Then next time I got upset over something iI used a protractor to scrath my hand. This time there was a little blood. And that was more of a release for me. so i turned to razor blades when I had them available to me. If not I would use my thumbnail, knife, needles, even burn myself with a ciggerette. Anything to mak me feel better. It was weird, if I felt numb, I would use it to feel alive, but if my emotions were too much for me I would do it to numb myself. At the time it felt like a sick form of therapy. But then it got to where I had to do it afew times a week. Then every other day. I started to not be able to function properly without doing it, and my emotions just kept getting more and more haywire. Of course, I was older by this time, so I had started using drugs and alcohol to numb me as well. But nothing ever fixed me. So I started writing poetry and songs, and talking about my sickness, and started to let some of that poison out. I slowly started getting better. But the desire was there EVERYDAY. And it still is. sometimes if my husband and I get into an arguement over the tiniest thing, "CUT" just pops into my brain. I have to fight it, sometimes its still a daily battle. But I am winning. I don't think the desire will ever fully go away. I'll probably be sick with this my whole life. Once you do it just one time, you are a self mutilator for life. and if you have never done it, you will never fully understand it. If you've never done it, DON'T START!!! there is a million other, better ways to fix yourself. If you are a self mutilator, get help now before it is too late. I did it for over 10 years, and by the grace of God I never wanted to kill myself, but it can turn to that very easily. I have had a few times where I had a hard time getting the bleeding to stop. It's a scary disease, it sucks you in so fast, and has an almost glamourous appeal at first, but I promise, it is nothing but evil. It is exactly like a drug. I hope that my blog can help someone out there. You're never alone, and there is always a way out. If you want to speak to me, comment me and we will figure out a way to speak privately. I'm not a therapist, I'm just a girl who has been there, but I will help in anyway I can.